Whatcha textin bout Willis?
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
50% drunk capacity currently
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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