Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
