doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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