I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
porn star boner night. come get it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
