I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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