last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
