Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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