I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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