So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
