I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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