Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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