Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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