just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
