hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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