the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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