apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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