totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
