Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
