he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
