Soap is not a condiment
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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