I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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