i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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