This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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