Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
