Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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