My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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