There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
