Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
