As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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