Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
