i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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