so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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