god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
