He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
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Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
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i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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