I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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