my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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