she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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