I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
