dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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