So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
