I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
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