You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
