just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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