when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
