I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
