Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
