I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
