i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
