I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
