why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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