Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
