There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He better not be in your backpack
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
