Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
