she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
