omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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