u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
