I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
