I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
