Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
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At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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