roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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