The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
