last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
