i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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