I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Can I color on your dick again?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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