My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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